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Bob Maddox

Bob is a retired teacher living in the Alpujarra for most of the year with his wife Belinda. His interests include painting, photography and of course writing. He researches his articles meticulously and always manages to include his own brand of humour. Whatever the subject they are ‘a good read’. He has been a keen supporter of the Moor Times and has contributed many interesting pieces since its conception in September 2009.

 

 

 

Articles by Bob Maddox       

 

Veisalgia Again!

A warning for you...Veisalgia, an unpleasant affliction which attacks the central nervous and digestive systems of its victims is on the increase worldwide and it is an astounding fact that most of us will suffer from it at some time in our lives.  As a Veisalgia sufferer of some 45 years standing, I thought I might put my experience to use and offer a little advice on the illness.

 

Firstly, the symptoms, which are similar to a cross between radiation-sickness and Malaria.  Commonly these are at their worst immediately after waking and include violent headache, nausea, flatulence, tremors, twitching, vomiting, lethargy, hypersalivation and sensitivity to light and noise.  Nasty.  The victims appearance is commonly reduced to that of a pasty-faced ruin who stares out at the world through (in the immortal words of the late, great David Niven, a world authority on Veisalgia) 'Eyes like dogs balls.'

 

The good news is that acute attacks are easily avoided by the application of liberal doses of will-power.  For Veisalgia is of course, nothing more than the medical term for a Hangover and I...as so many times in the past...had recently done it again.  Following a  light evening meal of Wolverhampton Rarebit (Paracetamol on toast), I thought I might pass a fruitful evening researching alternative cures for you, just on the slim chance that  others out there are as lacking as I am in the will-power department.

 

And here, gentle Moor Timers, is a little of what I discovered.  Welcome to the wonderful world of Hangover Cures - a quick country by country guide to what is de rigeur for breakfast on the morning after the night before.

 

Russia.   Drink freshly squeezed cucumber juice to combat dehydration and vitamin deficiency.   Smear a finger with the resulting pulp and shove it well up your nose to relax those drumskin-tight mucus membranes.

 

Sicily.  Dried bulls penis and lemon juice.  Rosemary garnish optional.

 

Ancient Rome.  Deep-fried canaries, complete with feathers and beak.  However, that naughty Emperor Caligula, who apparently liked the odd party or two, is reputed to have favoured boiled cabbage water.

 

Ireland.  Bury the victim in damp river sand.

 

Mongolia.   Pickled sheep's eyes in tomato juice.

 

England.   Bacon, eggs, sausage, black pudding, tomatoes, mushrooms, fried bread.  Tea (industrial quantities).  Wonderful.

 

China.  Boiled banana peel.

 

England 2.  Keith Floyd.  (World Authority).  “Soak salt cod in water then poach in milk for twenty minutes.  Liquidise fish along with plenty of garlic.  Serve on toast.  Vomit”.

 

England 3.  'Mr Harris' Original Pick Me Up'.  (Available exclusively at DR Harris & Company, chemists to the gentry for more than 200 years).  A secret recipe, but rumoured to contain tincture of gentian, cardamon, spirit of ammonium, oil of cloves and possibly dynamite.  Much favoured by the late Queen Mother and the even later Princess Margaret.

 

Switzerland.  Fresh air.  Predictable perhaps from the land whose most notable contributions to mankind include cuckoo clocks, Toblerone and numbered bank accounts.  Incidentally, if you happen to be short of the stuff, they will happily sell you some. 'O-Pur', a Swiss-made canister of oxygen-enhanced fresh alpine air, clocks in at around €10 for a ten-minute supply.  Available over the internet.

 

Egypt.   When next in pain in Cairo, try a 'Suffering Ba$tard', at the world famous Shepherd's Hotel.  A mixture of equal measures of brandy, gin and lime juice with a dash of Angostura bitters, it reputedly works by destroying the neural pathways responsible for the transmission of unpleasant symptoms to the brain.

 

Holland.  Raw baby herrings and onions.  Yes...raw.

 

Puerto Rico.  Immunity is guaranteed by rubbing the armpits with lemon or lime juice.

 

France.  Strong coffee.  Is that the best they can do?.

 

Germany.  Raw herring again, but adult fish only.  Oh, and red meat served with milk. Very macho volks.

 

USA.  “For a bad hangover, take the juice of two quarts of whiskey”.  Eddie Condon, American jazzman.

 

Australia.  Kangaroo testicles.  Well they would, wouldn't they?  Also available over the internet.

 

Cambodia.  In severe cases, try Oven Baked Tarantula.  Delicious and nutritious.  If tarantulas are in short supply down your way, worry not!  Simply order one via the internet for delivery ready-cooked to your door.  Some morsels from the advert to tempt you to reach for that mouse....  'Oven-baked, not fried!'  (Apparently, it makes a difference).  'A unique delicacy of Cambodia!' (That I can believe).  'Crisp, crunchy and ready to snack on!'  'Each tarantula measures about 9 centimetres!'  

 

And finally, the utterly wonderful...'Full eating instructions come with each tarantula!  Please remove fangs before eating.  Wash down with cold beer.'  Good advice at last.

 

 

Ancient Greece.  Sheep lungs and fried owls eggs.  Wash down with two day old river water. If headache persists, rub the forehead vigorously with the scrotum of a goat.  It remains unclear as to whether the scrotum is still attached to a live goat at the time.  Scrotums not yet available over the internet.

 

Well, there you have it.  I hope you find something in there which works for you. Of course, you could always avoid the cause, but for some strange reason, that is a cure too far for the likes of me.  But then that leaves me in some good company, so I'll leave the last word to them....

 

Dean Martin.   “You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on”.

 

Bob Dylan.  “An alcoholic is someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do”.

 

John Steinbeck.  “I take my hangovers as a consequence, not a punishment.”

 

Anonymous.  (But it should have been Steinbeck)  “A hangover is the Wrath of Grapes.”

 

Keith Floyd.  “I love cooking with wine.  Sometimes I even put it in the food.”

 

Winston Churchill.  During an argument with Lady Astor over dinner...  (LA)  “Sir...you are drunk! “   (WC)  “Madam...you are ugly, but I shall be sober in the morning.”

 

WC Fields.  “I like to keep a bottle of whisky handy in case I see a snake – which I also keep handy.”

 

And finally, from Terry Pratchett.   There are much better things in life than alcohol, but alcohol makes up for not having them.

 

Which is my excuse.  What's yours?

 

After you with the Tarantula.

 

© 2010 Bob Maddox

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