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Postcard from Blighty, March 2010
City or Campo?

by Jo Chipchase

While driving through Brighton the other day, it struck me how the pedestrians here are like lemmings. They wander around with their collective heads in the clouds before helpfully trying to insert their feet under the wheels of your moving vehicle. I vaguely wondered what would happen if I accidentally ran over someone’s foot because they stuck their leg mindlessly into the road, perhaps from behind a parked car. It would be a dreadful scenario, particularly if they were wearing decent footwear, such as Camper or Fly. I’d hate to crush a pair of Fly boots, let alone the toes inside. But at least it wouldn’t be toes in flip-flops.

I found myself thinking: “Would the Spanish residents of La Alpujarra be so careless where they put their feet?”  The answer is probably ‘no’.  They might place large pot plants, pallets, skips and tables with locally-grown produce in places where you want to deploy your wheels but kamikaze dashes across the road are generally avoided.

Perhaps the Spanish pedestrians are more careful than the motorists, the opposite being true in Brighton. Have you noticed how around half the cars in La Alpujarra are dented? My English mechanic didn’t believe that most of the dents on my poor red VW van (sent to pastures new) were inflicted by other motorists. He clearly thought I had a predilection for road traffic accidents. I quite like my current van in its un-dented state... but how long will its tidy appearance last in La Alpujarra, I wonder?

This set me thinking: what are the real pros and cons of life in Brighton/Blighty versus La Alpujarra/Spain?

Shopping
Brighton’s clearly better on this front. It has at least one department store (hardly something to boast about, but still...), supermarkets are cheaper and there’s more choice than in, ahem, Orgiva (yes, I know that’s a given). However, there’s a danger of emptying your pocket and battering your ‘flexible friend’ because temptation is everywhere, whether relating to food or womenswear. And do we really need all those ready meals and ten dozen varieties of bread in the supermarket? Imagine if the shoppers at Sainsbury were forced to choose between Bimbo priced at £3 a loaf and Pan de Molde (tastes like a dry sponge) – they’d be in for a shock.

Pubs
English pubs are great for the traditional English Sunday roast but they’re hardly ideal for spending a pleasant hour or so with young children. Even though a smoking ban is in force these days, publicans would seemingly rather attract binge-drinkers than cater for my under-fours. I was told off in a Surrey pub aimed at families because my little boys were running around and “getting under people’s feet, some of whom are old”. That wouldn’t happen at, say, the Bottom Camping in Orgiva. I applaud the Brewers Fayre pub that has a proper indoor play frame for the kids. In this particular venue, parents can eat their snacks and drink their vino in peace while the little ‘uns race around wearing themselves out before bedtime.

Eating out
It’s cheaper to dine out in England than Spain these days, even with Menu Del Dia in the equation. No contest. But tapas counts for a lot... unless it’s mutton or those awful sausages that resemble stewed mini-penises.

Healthcare
Personally, I prefer visiting my English GP surgery. The employees aren’t habitually rude to extranjeros (or anyone else for that matter) like they are in my local centro de salud. And it’s definitely preferable to discuss medical complaints in your native tongue and avoid embarrassing mistakes. I’ll never forget the time when I was 16 weeks pregnant and was due for a Down’s syndrome test. After attending eight different Spanish medical appointments in various locations, paying a translator and having a blood test, I was given a long-awaited result code that showed (argh!) “yes, you are pregnant”. Gee, thanks!

Motoring
Every time you drive somewhere in England, you’re going to be taxed. Parking fees, penalty fines, speed traps, you name it. The traffic queues are a persistent bore here. But fewer motorists seem to bash your vehicle or ‘collect’ the wing mirrors when it’s parked on a narrow street. And, here in Blighty, people don’t generally choose to park on the corner of blind junctions or directly opposite stationery vehicles, forcing other traffic literally to inch past. Also, British drivers can execute a three-point-turn and a reverse manoeuvre. And they don’t get pissed on Costa before they set off on a trip. In La Alpujarra, your car *will* die or be severely dented. Check those brakes before you check out the mountain views.

Health and safety rules
England is obsessed with health and safety regulations and risk assessments. You can’t take photos of your own kids at the swimming pool (oh – paedophiles might download them from your digicam). You can’t help the old lady out of a taxi (she might sue you if her arm bruises). And you’re not supposed to sweep snow from your own drive (somebody might fall over on the icy patch and sue you). The Lanjaron water fight would never be allowed to occur in Brighton as the council would definitely be sued to high heaven. Look what happened with the Fat Boy Slim Beach Party all those years ago – there was broken glass all over the beach, somebody died after falling off the promenade and a huge kerfuffle occurred.  Spain might be a bit lax with its health and safety rules (for example: no barriers exist between most children’s play parks and the main road) but airport staff are willing to hold your baby without fear of litigation and you can take an innocent photo of your child skinny-dipping at the pool without being arrested.

Blighty is falling over itself to create

new health and safety rules

Telephony and internet
English phone tariffs are much cheaper than the Spanish ones. The broadband weighs in at a quarter of the cost. Text addicts are definitely getting a better deal in Blighty. Plus you can browse the web on an iPhone or Blackberry without it costing an arm and a leg.

Is Big Brother watching you?
No, I don’t mean the tiresome reality TV show. With CCTV in every corner, speed cameras that measure your “average speed” over many miles on the motorway, airport full-body scanners and plans for chipped identity cards, England is, I think, worse for monitoring its citizens than Spain. However, I admit to knowingly allowing third parties to track my supermarket shopping habits by using store loyalty cards. Points mean vouchers and free bottles of vino. Sod it if ‘they’ know I prefer my chicken free range, my cheese cheddary and my loo roll white. But, hey, there’s something to be said for fading into anonymity in the Sierra too (forget that idea if you’re on Facebook).

Environmental factors
In La Alpujarra, the air is fresh and, depending where you live, the water’s top-notch. Here in Brighton, we have pollution from the roads and the tap water tastes rank. However, there’s no dust in my house. The Alpujarran dust gets into everything and it does your car no good. When you’re away from the dust for a while, you realise how dusty things are. That said, on the public hygiene front, the refuse collection is so much better in La Alpujarra than in Brighton, where your rubbish must sit festering beside your house for a week, used nappies ‘n’ all. And as for beautiful views, there’s nothing here that has the same appeal as, for example, the view towards Salobrena from above Canar.

Weather
I’m not even going to start on that one. Suffice to say there’s something to be said for central heating during winter and early spring. The rest of the year, well, ahem!